Life as an Adoptee

A Father's Love

2011-11-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

My daddy (adoptive father) was not only my dad but my best friend, my confident, my biggest supporter and my life. Even being married, my daddy was the "main man" in my life. The bond we shared was so amazing and even though we had our struggles and disagreements, he was the world to me.
My mom was always bothered by the fact that my dad and I were so very close. I will be the first to admit that some of the bond was unhealthy such as both of us struggling with a gambling addiction, depression and his view of feeling the need to at times "buy my love". Nonetheless, for the most part our bond was a bond of 100% unconditional love and trust. He was my rock, my anchor, my everything. He was also my biggest number one supporter from day 1 in my search for my roots. At the age of 18, he was there along with mom to hold my hand and steady my pen when I filled out the forms for the application to the Post Adoption Registry.
Both of my adoptive parents were supporters of allowing me to find my roots and both always talked about if I ever was to have a successful search and reunion that they wanted to be there to thank my birth parents for the opportunity to raise a daughter.

Dad, though, was with me through thick and thin from day one. Mom and I had many problems (In which I will explain in later blogs) and our relationship has never really been a healthy one.
Dad and I looked similar even though I was adopted. We both had blond hair, blue eyes and both us of shared the same likings such as Country Music, Hockey, deep talks and the feeling that we could always trust and confide in one another when no one else could. We would always have something to talk about openly and we always enjoyed singing together, travelling on road trips (He was a salesman) and camping, barbecuing, and going for breakfast or lunches at our favorite restaurants no one else seemed to enjoy.

As stated before, some of our relationship was unhealthy. Along with depression and gambling there was also my views of having to take on a caregiver role for him through tough times like mom and dad's divorce, job losses, and a variety of things that a child really shouldn't have had to make a main priority in her life over her own family. I know it was unhealthy but the funny thing is if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would. In a heartbeat. That's unconditional love.

I miss him greatly :(

A Collection of Letters to my Birth Mother Through the Years

2011-11-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

September 2011- 17 Year Anniversary of the death of the mother I never knew...

Though I grew under your heart for 9 months and though you only held me one time- I've come to learn that just like me, there was never a day that passed that both of us didn't think of or love one another. I've learned that I'm a lot like you in many ways and although you are gone and we only had 1 day in the beginning, I feel you with me as always.
The day you left I believe you instantly found me from above and have watched over myself and my 2 younger brothers constantly and lovingly. I strive to keep family more important than anything and keep everyone close in heart just like you did everyday you were here on earth.
Seventeen years ago today god took you to be one of his angels and I believe you played a hand 11 years ago when the very special reunion took place. I believe your love and determination to find me whether here on earth or from heaven was powerful enough to make it happen. I know you wanted to warn me of the cancer and I know you wanted to look for me but were scared. As I've told you through spirit, there are no regrets and as I'm taking the steps to protect myself as you wished, my promise to you is to always ensure my baby brothers are also loved and protected on your behalf. I am so thankful for finding them and dad and equally thankful for the opportunity to continually get to know the mother I never knew through memories and stories shared by the family members who cared so deeply for you. I thank you for giving me a chance at life and hope that I've made you proud.
With love,
Your daughter "Tammi"

Family Dysfunction

2011-11-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'm an Adoptee. I was brought into this world by 2 loving parents and I was raised and shaped by 2 loving parents. I had no control how I came into this world. Some family do not accept me for reasons beyond my control. Some disown me for choosing to find my roots. At the end of the day, I refuse to change to suit the views of either side. I'm an Adoptee and I'm proud of who I am regardless of who is ashamed.

Biological Sibling Rivalry

2011-11-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

I've always liked and reitterated the quote, "Don't judge my journey unless you have walked my paths." I have been treated like crap by members of both my adoptive family and my biological family. I have 4 biological half siblings (5 in total) that are not thrilled with me entering the picture since the reunion that followed my life long search back in 2005. Why? Some feel I am to blame (as a newborn) for the break up of their mother's and our father's marriage. Others feel I am out to seek all of the attention and love. And then there are the select few who are not happy that another sibling has entered the picture in terms of "estate matters later on in life". Seriously. I have definitely had some severely depressive moments and anger within all of that dysfunction. I was the only child of my birthfather (out of 8) that was placed for adoption, that alone has made me feel outcasted, wronged, and betrayed. Can I place blame on them for making the decision that they did? In all honesty, I used to somewhat. How come my 5 older siblings got to stay in the picture? And when I came along I was "thrown away", but my two full sibings got to stay as well? Yes, I am human, I feel and I hurt. But they all obviously feel too. Can I judge them? Can they judge me? I used to judge them for how they felt about me, but did I walk in their shoes? No. How can I be angry at people and judge them for their own thoughts and actions if I get angered at them for judging me when they never walked in my shoes as the adoptee?
I have only been in the picture for the past 6 years, I have heard stories as to some things that went on prior to my entrance finding the family back in 2005. I have heard a variety of different stories from different siblings. I don't know for sure what happened, what's true and what's not because I wasn't there. I wasn't the one experiencing what they claim. I only know what I went through, what my story is, what my thoughts and feelings are.
On the flip side, I don't think it is right that they judge and blame me as an infant and being the one to cause the breakdown of the marriage between our father and their mother. I didn't ask to come into this world, I was the product of two seperate adults that made decisions. I've always stated even prior to finding my family that I would give them the opportunity to accept me, my existence or not. Should they feel or ever feel that they did not want to have anything to do with me, that would be their perogative. If they are uncomfortable with the idea of having me in the family after 33 years then that is fine I accept that, However, I will not allow them to place blame on me for events that are beyond my control.
I have a very good rapport and relationship with my birth father, my two younger full brothers and my eldest half sister. For that I am blessed. I have come to terms of the others wanting nothing to do with me as I have always noted that I got way more than I bargained for when I found the family in the first place. All I ever wanted were health answers, maybe a visual like pictures, and additional background information, especially just a reason as to why I was given up just so that I could have piece of mind.

There are definitely many pros and cons to finding birth siblings and in future blogs I will delve deeper into some more of the experiences I have witnessed, endured and experienced. Good and Bad.

My Story

2010-06-09T10:22:00.000-06:00

I was born in a small central Alberta town in the early 1970’s. For the first two months of my life I resided in foster care until I was adopted at 2 months of age. My family consisted of my father Elmer, my mother Anna and a brother David (4 years older than I) who was also adopted at the age of 1. They were closed adoptions.

I was told at a very young age that David and I were both adopted and what it meant to be adopted. I can remember questioning why I didn’t look like my parents like my friends did and this was the big question that kicked off the beginning of my “new life” at age 6.

I had my share of ups and downs throughout my childhood from that day forward. Many questions continually filled my mind and although I was fortunate to have 2 very loving and supportive parents, there was a piece of myself missing that created a void in my life throughout the years.

I knew instantly from the time I was told about my adoption that one day I would begin the process of searching for my roots. It had nothing to do with the love of my existing family; it did however have everything to do with wanting to know who I was exactly. (Or at least this is how I felt it to be and imagined it to be at that early age).

As stated previously, Elmer and Anna were extremely supportive and understanding of my desires, my thoughts and feelings, and my need to “know”. Not only were they supportive, they were my main cheerleaders and stood behind me all the way giving me encouragement to “do what you need to do in order to ensure your happiness.”

At the age of 18, Elmer and Anna sat at the kitchen table with me while my hand shook while completing the application forms for the Alberta Adoption Registry. Still full of encouragement and love and understanding, they held my hand, talked with me about possible future outcomes and went with me to mail the envelope.

As the years went by, there were many hurdles, ups and downs, successes (which I will cover within my future blogs from my memoir) and yet still....an empty void deep down that no one could replace. I would talk about it with friends and family and my new husband Michael; yet some things I just couldn’t explain and therefore kept to myself.

After the birth of my son Michael Jr. in 1998, I had a lot of difficulty dealing with my adoption for the reason that this was the first time I was actually looking at someone who was of physically part of me! I suffered from post partum depression (from both of my pregnancies). My daughter Paige was born in 2006. I’ve also suffered from Post Traumatic Stress, Manic Depression, Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder since 1998. However, I now believe that my depression and anxiety surfaced from the day I found out I was Adopted. Again, this will be covered in future blogs.

In November of 2004, the Alberta government became the first province in Canada to open adoption files and provide identification to adoptees born within a designated time frame. I happened to fall within the category and with the support of my parents, the application papers were once again sent to the registries. 6 months later I received a package in the mail with the identifying information of my genetic history, my roots, my belonging. I had partial information growing up in terms of the ages of my biological parents along with my first and middle “birth name” as well as descriptions and ages.

In May 2005, I had received a lot more. I had names, the birth places of my biological parents, occupations, siblings, almost everything with the exception of photos! Because I knew growing up that I would always look for my roots, I did not hesitate to continue the search. I got way more than I ever bargained for and am happy to report that it was a successful search and reunion and although there have been many pros and cons to the process, I have no regrets.

There have been hardships and heartbreaks since finding my long lost roots, such as health concerns, mourning the loss of one biological parent, the loss of an adoptive parent, and the controversies among family members from both sides. Many ,many hardships.

However, there have been many questions answered, much support, great memories made and continue being made. And most of all a lot of love and understanding as both sides combined to form 1 big family!

Issues still do carry on throughout the years stemming from both sides, however, even though I feel complete, I have also come to understand at age 37, that whether I had ever found my roots or not, all I need is to love myself to make me who I am and control my own happiness. No therapist in the world could ever “fix” me when I thought I was broken.... I found my inner strength to fix myself and there have never been any regrets with the decisions I made for myself.

Introduction

2010-06-08T12:02:00.000-06:00

Living life as an Adoptee can be wonderful yet troublesome, easy yet complicated, and straightforward yet conflicting all wrapped up in one. As an adopted child, I've experienced a great number of thoughts, feelings, emotions, controversies and successes throughout the duration of my life.

I have learned many values and lessons along the way as well as endured many hardships and much happiness!

I am a true believer "That we go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through." and thus I have set up this blog to meet the needs, hopefully answer questions and provide insight to others out there who have been touched by adoption.